my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
