Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
