is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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