I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she told me i tasted like america
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
