if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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