Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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