The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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