The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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