The police scanner is talking about you again....
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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