I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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