I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize