Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
