Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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