Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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