We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize