Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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