someone threw a dead crab at me
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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