Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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