Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
