Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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