And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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