i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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