My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
