as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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