I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
do herpes really smell.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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