I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
