I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
