I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
