Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
