Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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