We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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