I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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