True but thats because hes a fetus.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Come see our sink grown plant.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize