I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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