Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
