My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize