I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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