i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
