I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
