i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You took a bar mat shot.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
