Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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