highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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