Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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