I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize