This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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