Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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