i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I can't turn off my feet"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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