i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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