Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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