What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize