Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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