you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
