don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
