capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize