But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
