I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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