3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize