Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
