rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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