get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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