So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
