A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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