I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
