i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
