Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
