Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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