I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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