my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
