guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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