My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
