remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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