I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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